Dear World Changer, Happy February!  

Are you glad January is finally over and spring is beginning to be in sight? 

I know a lot of people who have been struggling with the winter months, more so than any other year. Is that because of the relentless of the negative news, or the cost of living? Or annoyance at MPs who just seem to do what they like, breaking the law with no accountability? Or are we suffering from PTSD from the pandemic? – research, seems to be suggesting we are? 

However, one of the main principles I teach in my stress management workshops is the TOP principle. 

This is where we identify what is TOTALLY in our control, what is OUTSIDE of our control and what is PARTIALLY in our control.  

If something is outside of our control, we need to find a way to let it go, to stop whatever thoughts and feelings we have living rent-free in our heads, (easier said than done, I know!) but if something is partially or totally in our control, then we must act - otherwise, the lack of action will only cause us further distress, unhappiness and the inability to thrive. 

But what if you’re not ready? What if the thing you know you need to do that will improve your health, happiness and well-being is too scary? 

This is a discussion we had at our last Life Coaching group (the next one is on the 7th Feb, if you’d like to attend).

One of the members highlighted that he had just realised that he had been running a pattern of fear his whole life that started in childhood. It was so ingrained and running the show - His ‘script’ was totally in charge, forming all his decisions in his current life, which sadly were holding him back from all his potential (which, by the way, is enormous!). I wish he could only see what I see in him!  However, now with this newfound awareness, he is able to start addressing it – well, he would if he could get over the fear of facing his fear! 

This led to a discussion about how to face your fears and what makes a person ready to change. 

One of the other members shared her personal story of overcoming her fear of driving. 

She had passed her test years before in her teens, but never actually started driving. Now in her late forties, she realised how this was limiting her career opportunities, as the ability to drive was essential for the roles she wanted to apply for. 

She explained how she impulsively went out and bought a car so she could address this issue. However, the car sat on her driveway for months without moving. 

Eventually, she started taking baby steps, like getting into the car, turning the ignition, and turning it off again. This continued each day, familiarising herself with the indicators, lights etc. She then plucked up the courage to book top up driving lessons and finally, this led to driving around her hometown and further afield, until she started to get more confident. 

She now has a new, well-paid job, which sees her driving all over Scotland.  She still feels fear when going to a new city, but she will plan her route, looks at maps and prepare before she sets off. 

How amazing is that? 

So, what was the catalyst for change? 

Pain! 

The pain of being stuck had become far greater than the pain that would come from facing her fears.  

This is the thing about change - staying stuck and changing are painful – which totally sucks!  So, choose your pain – the pain of growth, or the pain of staying where you are and further down the line, the pain of regret – which really stings by the way! 

There is also another factor to consider and that’s our little friend the limbic brain! This is the tiniest part of our brain, but my god, does it hold power over us!

 ‘Limiting Lenny’ as I like to call it, (which is a small, cheeky, but very scared monkey in my mind, for the visual learners reading this).

Lenny hates change. As soon as you think of changing the status quo,  Lenny goes into overdrive and starts freaking out. 

Limiting Lenny is responsible for the fight or flight response, which is essential for our survival in life threatening situations. Fight or flight generates an automatic and instant response to get us out of that life threatening situation, ie to fight or flee someone attacking us or to swerve a car that’s heading towards us.

However, whilst brilliant in those situations, it's not particularly helpful when you want to get healthy, change your job, ask someone out on a date, or try something new. 

Another state of the limbic brain is the freeze response – this is where we are paralysed by fear.

Whether we are conscious of it or not, when we find ourselves not taking the steps that would improve our lives, you can bet your bottom dollar Limiting Lenny has kicked in and is running the show and is holding you back. 

The frustrating thing is - even if we tell ourselves rational reasoning, it’s not always enough to convince Lenny to change. 

And this was perfectly demonstrated by the member who I’ve already mentioned who faced her fear of driving and changed her working world.

I highlighted how she had beautifully identified the steps to change and how, if followed, this could be applied to all areas that were holding her back.  I.e., Identify the problem, acknowledge how much pain it is causing, identify if that’s more pain than staying where you are. Then identify the goal and the small steps needed to be taken to get you from A to B, to build your confidence, until the goal is achieved. 

But, she proclaimed, that won’t work with everything!

Take relationships for example, she would like to find love, but it feels too scary.  I highlighted that if she just applied the same steps applied to her fear of driving, she could achieve this too. I.e., getting clear on the goal – A loving, respectful relationship that compliments and enhances her life.  

Take baby steps – Create a profile for a dating site, be clear her values, who she  wants to attract and who she doesn't!  

Upload the profile, start chatting, practice healthy boundaries - if someone doesn’t feel right, don’t continue chatting. If someone intrigues you, meet up for a coffee, meet different people for coffee. Ie,  practicing her skills, just like driving.

Take it a bit further and go for a meal ( again, just like driving, only this time going  to a new town)... You get the picture,  however, Limiting Lenny kicked in and she stated, "No, this is not the same,  driving is in my control, but relationships aren’t."

Interesting the stories we tell ourselves isn’t it? 

This lady believes that because she was behind the wheel of the car, she was in control. She had not considered that she had no control over all the other drivers and how any one of them could make a mistake and crash into her.  

With affairs of the heart, we can put ourselves out there, be in control of ourselves and what we do, who we see, what we disclose, but we have no control over another person and their actions; and yes, they could trample all over our hearts, but another driver could also smash into us causing life changing consequences. 

Do you see how Limiting Lenny will play tricks on you, telling you stories to keep you from making a change? 

The only thing stopping you from being ready is a  story!  That’s all that’s holding you back from all your heart’s desire – crazy, isn’t it? 

Granted, changing that story can be more complex, but what’s your story and are you ready to start re-writing the script, and more importantly – the ending? 

If you don’t make these changes, what will life look like in two, five, ten years’ time? What will you be saying to yourself on your death bed? As I've already I said, regret is very painful, especially if it's too late to change.

When you’re ready to take a first step we’re ready to help and support you. 

Whether it’s our daily coaching group – Change Your World Every Day ( Only £12.50 a month) or 1-1 coaching, or our corporate training services – Change Your Working World, our database of coaches and health and wellbeing professionals are ready and waiting. 

Take your first baby step to change and book in for your free consultation.

I’m not scary and I promise, taking that first step will be worth it. 

Lots of Love,

Suzy x